Maybe Gay
Edit #2: The following advice came off as a little homophobic. It was not intended to be, however I think due to the lack of sleep I’ve been having my wording came out wrong. What I really should’ve said was find someone and talk about experimenting, that way no one’s feelings are hurt and it’s easier to find out what orientation you are. If I offended anyone, I apologize, however I am leaving up the original advice because if there’s one thing I learned, it’s always best to learn from your mistakes, and this shall be a reminder of mine. Thank you for your patience and for your readership. :3
My advice for people who don’t know if they are interested in the same sex, I honestly just think it’s better to make sure if you are or not by going on a date and kissing. You don’t have to go all the way, but just do some nice date things. You never know, you might just like looking rather than being sexually attracted to someone. Or you could find out that you really like the same gender. Or you could find out you don’t like sex stuff at all.
It’s better to try and know than not and wonder forever.
But always be safe. Only go with people you trust.
edit: I realized that I wrote opposite gender twice instead of same gender. I fixed now. Sorry when I wrote this last night I was very sleepy.
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That’s horrible, heteronormative advice. Testing for gay others it. He — and everybody — would have to date, say, ten people of each sex to allow a big enough sample size to rule out simple incompatibility with a specific individual before settling on knowledge of their own sexuality. No, he should probably call himself “questioning” instead of gay or straight, but he shouldn’t have to test it!
Yeah but when the guy hasn’t dated anyone other than one person, how would he know anything? 10 people is excessive, 5 people is more reasonable.
Maybe testing was the wrong word for it, maybe experiment is more the word I was looking for.
Either way, the guy needs to find out what he really is, cuz he can’t stay as “questioning” forever.
I’m more about finding out your true self rather than staying confused. Confusion stops progress, and it causes problems like overthinking things.
Honestly if he doesn’t go out and try and find himself, he may just get angry at himself for not knowing. I would rather he go out and date people than sit at home contemplating forever.
I know you are coming from a place of caring and mean well, Sam, and I love your comic. But this particular strip made me very uncomfortable when I read it, so I hope you don’t mind that I’m coming back to it a few days later to say a few words.
Coming to terms with being gay can be difficult, yes, but the answer is not always just “go date someone of the same gender as you.” The advice given in this comic reflects some part of societally-ingrained homophobia – by saying that homosexuality is something that should be thoroughly verified before coming out, it perpetuates the idea that being gay is less than desirable i.e. “you wouldn’t want to be mistaken for gay, would you?”
Everyone’s experience is different, and dating a variety of people may be helpful for some. But there is also something to be said for those who aren’t fond of casual dating or entering low-commitment relationships, and would be extremely hesitant to accendentally treat another person as “just an experiment” and risk getting that person’s feelings hurt. This happens sometimes as it is; many lesbians who I know are wary of questioning, bisexual or “straight” girls for this reason (which causes its own set of problems, but moving on…)
I don’t know your orientation, so I may be overstepping my reach if I were to assume that you are straight. If you are not – or even if you are and this point has not been your personal experience – i apologize, and I would simply ask you to consider at any rate that others may have varying and different experiences. But ponder this – when do the majority of straight folks realize they are straight… is it before or after they first get a boyfriend or girlfriend?
My last point is more to do with my own personal experience. But when coming out to people, especially parents (who in my case are homophobic and judgemental) I wouldn’t want ANY girlfriend of mine to be the target of blame for any anger or disappointment on the part of my parents. For this reason, I chose to come out before I got a girlfriend, and even before I was 100% sure that my attraction to girls would ever lead to a relationship with one (I am bisexual, you see). By doing this, I hoped that my parents would have time to react, adjust to this reality, and settle down at least somewhat… all before I would consider bringing knowledge of another person – a girlfriend, who may be affected by their attitudes – into the mix.
To finish, I’ll provide my own perspective the advice I would give any queer friend of mine who was contemplating coming out to their parents regardless of their situation: gay, lesbian, bi, pan, trans*, ace or anything, really. In these cases I really think it’s about helping each individual ask the right questions of themselves to help them decide if coming out is right for them:
-Who have you come out already, why, and what was the result?
-How do you imagine your parents would react if you told them?
-Have you ever heard them discuss their opinions on LGBTQ++ issues such as marriage equality? What were their views?
-Is it remotely possible that they could react very badly, e.g. disown you, kick you out of their home, etc.?
-If so, do you have a back-up plan to financially support yourself or live somewhere else?
-How comfortable or sure are you of your identity? Are you comfortable coming out even if you’re still figuring things out – and would you want to share with your parents that you are still questioning?
-Which of your parents would be easiest to start the conversation with?
-How do you think you will feel after telling them?
This has gotten rather long! If you read this, thanks for listening. 🙂
Wow, this was lovely to wake up to read to. :3
In no way was I trying to make this come off as a homophobic strip. However it might’ve come off this way mostly cuz…well, it actually happened. A friend of mine recently came out to me and his parents are extremely homophobic (thus the comic that came out today). And really the reason why I told him that he should get a boyfriend first is because that way he’d have an out. Someone who wasn’t me that he could go to for help. And really, I didn’t want him to go alone when he was telling his parents because his parents are extremely abusive. I didn’t want that kind of history in the comic though, so I had to reduce the problem to a 3 panel strip, which more than likely came out completely wrong.
Personally my orientation is panromantic, hetero/demisexual, so yeah I’m mostly straight, but there was a time where I thought I wasn’t. Really what it came to was just going to some friends that I trusted and talking it out, kissing a few girls for fun, and then realizing that I like girls but I don’t have any sexual desire for them. And even with guys, even though I like sex, I really have to trust the person in order to even get there. Really, I was just saying what worked for me, but I really didn’t want to put that out there either. What I really should’ve said was find someone and talk about experimenting, that way no one’s feelings are hurt and it’s easier to find out what orientation you are. ^^; in this case simplicity wasn’t the greatest. Also sleep deprivation is a bitch. DX
But thank you so much for your post. Would you mind if I featured some of it in another comic? :3
Thanks for listening and sharing your thoughts!
The advice in the comic above does make a LOT more sense with that new context to surround it. It’s clear to me now that the subtext to “Maybe get a boyfriend first?” was meant to be “…because having a strong emotional support to fall back on is very important, and also because exploring was really helpful and worked for me when I was figuring out my own identity, so maybe it will work for you.” Very reasonable and wise advice given that context, for sure!
And you’re right, leaving that context out just made a huge difference, because without knowing all the background the subtext came across instead as “…because you can’t know for sure if you’re gay/qualify as gay without having had a boyfriend first, and you shouldn’t burden your parents with this knowledge until you know for sure that it’s even a ‘problem.’ ”
I really appreciate you taking the time to clarify things, and also your integrity in leaving the strip up while acknowledging all of this in your edit. And do feel free to feature any aspects of this in a future comic! I don’t mind in the slightest – in fact I think it would make my day. 😀